this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
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