cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
