He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
