It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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