I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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