Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
