do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
