It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
