Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
