im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
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It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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