I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
