he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
