I hope mine doesn't look like that
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
