id be glad to
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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