Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
