my phone needs a breathalizer
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
