I am in a vortex of obligation.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
