Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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