I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
