What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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