I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
