Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I'm really busy with my period
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