instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
