I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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