I accidentally had phone sex last night
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
