I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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