I think I won the penis lottery.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
