i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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