Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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