Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
