Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize