there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
