Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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