Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
