Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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