Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
