I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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