fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
