you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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