Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize