Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We got so high we made milksteak
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
