ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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