I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
