I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
