Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
