Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
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Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
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can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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