wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
