it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
