I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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