anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
