Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize