The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
